new years resolutions

        I was four years old when I had my first dance recital. I mean, my first official dance recital. I was always that kid who never stopped dancing, singing, or screaming in my natural state. But this recital saw me on an actual stage with bright lights, in a sparkly blue cardigan that matched my sparkly blue skirt, with bright white tights and my shoulder length hair slicked back with four layers of hairspray and my lips lathered in bright red lipstick. The song was On a Sunny Day and it only had four verses that repeated themselves over and over for two minutes. I was in the front row and my sister was in the back (which is completely ironic because she always needed to get every step precise, while I was more focused on the "flare" of my performance, as my uncle would say.) Throughout the entire recital, all twenty of us little girls didn't take our eyes off of our instructor- who was off at the side acting out every move as clearly as she could. Even at my best I had no idea what was going on. While every step was choreographed by our instructor, the whole song basically consisted of twenty four year olds free styling. (Except for that one girl Stacy in the front row. She always knew what she was doing.) I was completely lost and didn't follow any of the steps we had practiced for weeks. But at the end of the show I couldn't stop asking my family "Did you see me up there? Did you see how I danced? I was pretty good." They all agreed. I even got flowers.
     I remember this whole recital extremely well because i literally just saw it a couple hours ago when my family decided it would be a great way to start the New years by watching the newly downloaded dvd's of the Bakken family past.
   The clips of when i was a kid all have one thing in common: little-kid confidence. Youngsters have so much confidence in themselves, a confidence that they never second guess. I always walked with sass, never stopped talking, and always tried to get in front of the camera- even if it was my brothers birthday, I was full of "hey dad, film me!"'s.
    Every year people make New Years Resolutions that they may or may not give up by February. My mother has been promising to us she will lost those last ten pounds for ten years now. My dad's resolution is to get ahead in work. My uncle's is to completely change his career. We all want to improve ourselves. We all want to get more.
    Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have little-kid confidence again. How wonderful would it be to not care what others say about you, not question the way you look in an outfit, not want to lose weight, not second guess yourself after taking a test you studied for hours for. I suppose my New Years Resolution is to be a little kid again, have that little-kid confidence. I wish i could get up on stage and dance my own dance- come off stage with a huge smile on my face. Unfortunately, it's probably harder to do that than to "lose those last ten pounds".